I sometimes feel self-destructive. It's nothing serious, just these are my thoughts about what to do.

First, RECOGNIZE it. Darwin would say it was illogical. So no one tells you about it. But once you know about it, it isn't that hard to spot -- you want to do something self-destructive.

To prevent the self-destruction, BE WITH A FRIEND. As far as I know, Alcoholics Anonymous got this exactly right -- when an AA person feels the desire to go on a binge, he finds another AA person.

When I am with a friend, the feeling doesn't magically go away. Instead, it sits in the background. But it might slowly go away.

I always try to figure out, WHERE IS MY FEELING COMING FROM? This isn't a magic cure either, but I think it helps. It makes perfect sense the self-destructiveness could come from guilt or shame. I think you can also get it when the world is beating you up. It's like you want to join in.

Anyway, just find out what is happening in your life to cause your feelings of self-destructiveness.

DON'T MAKE IT WORSE. I mean, you could get angry at yourself or feel guilty because you are being self-destructive. Who does that help? Accept that it happens to you. Um, I gave you good advice about how to help it. But that advice isn't the easiest to follow. So, accept that you might not always follow it.

SUBMISSIVES

But anyway, if a sub is actually feeling self-destructive, he needs a hug and comfort. It's the wrong time for pain and harm. So...notice any unexpected requests for pain or humiliation or whatever. Ask the sub what is happening and if anything is going serious wrong.

FICTION

She has chained herself to a pole outside the Parliament building. And of course she's naked. And of course she threw away the key. And of course she threw away her clothes. When Raversians go on a rethrag, they do it really well.

Anders offers to go get some clothes or something to cut the chain. But I want him to watch. So I send nearby Raversians for what we need. Then Anders looks away so the Raversian woman isn't embarrassed. But she wants to be humiliated, so he's basically wasting his time with that. So he watches.

Then I establish dominance, which isn't that hard any more. If it ever was. And I do the ice ceremony.

Then I find out her problem, which is still hard for me to do. Essentially I'm asking her to tell me something really bad about herself. Well, she thinks it's bad enough that she went into rethrag.

Eventually I find out that she hit her son when he kept disobeying. I'm lost to know if that is really bad or what she should do. So I'll let someone else figure out what she actually does to fix things. That's tomorrow. Tonight, it's my job to hold her. I decide she should be punished too, only because that will make her feel better. I mean, she was punishing herself anyway. I'm just taking control over what the punishment is. Um, she was making bad choices about her punishment. So I give her a small punishment.

Eventually her mood improves and I'm pretty sure she will stay out of rethrag. Then the problem is getting her back together with family members. By now they're here. Of course she doesn't want to face them. But the original problem was partly that she couldn't go to them for help. So she needs me to get her past that bump. I tell the family that right now she needs support, not advice or criticism. And everyone always obeys me, so that works good. -----------------------------------------

And then we are heading home and Anders asks his questions. I am not surprised by the questions he asks. "How do you know what to do?"

"Well, there are people on Terra who get self-destructive. Hopefully they know what to do -- get with a friend. Then hopefully the friend knows what to do -- stay with them, be a friend, and hold them. But once they start up into real self-destructiveness it's hard to stop them. Except if they are submissive. You can establish dominance over a submissive, then do what needs to be done."

I continue: "So I am mostly just following Terran stuff. And of course the Raversians are all submissive. In a lot of little ways the Raversians are different, but I have done like 25 rethrags now so I am learning the differences."

Anders: "I don't understand why anyone would chain themselves naked to a pole and throw away the key."

"If you've experienced that feeling of rethrag, it makes perfect sense. If you haven't, then it doesn't make sense and it never will. I mean, it really doesn't make any sense. And I can't explain it. You just have to accept it -- she was in rethrag."

"Did she want to do that -- chain herself naked to a pole?"

"You're still trying to understand her by assuming she's like you. She isn't. She wanted to chain herself naked to a pole, and she didn't want to. And she didn't know what she wanted. She was probably punishing herself."

And then we're back home and in bed, because Anders still wakes up early to start his day. I'm lying on his shoulder, probably more tired than him. But I'm still thinking about my day. And then, even though I was sure he was asleep, he asks the question I was afraid of. "So. If you understand her, and if someone has to do rethrag to understand her, then you did rethrag."

He loves me, he loves me not. I feel like I'm spinning the bottle and it might point at leaving me and it might point at not leaving me. And neither of us is in control of that. I come with a lot of baggage. "Yes Anders, I have done rethrag."

"Like chaining yourself naked to a pole outside a building?"

I wish. "No, that isn't my style." I am not avoiding his next question.

"What did you do when you were in rethrag?"

"Cut myself. With a knife or a razor. Small cuts. Then watch them bleed." I wish I was perfect like Anders. But I'm not.

"That explains the small scars on your thighs."

I don't have an answer to that. "And my feet."

"Do you still do rethrag?"

"I haven't cut myself for 58 days. I'm proud of that."

"So you might cut yourself again." And we have gotten to the last question.

"Yes Anders. I might." You can leave me. I won't blame you. I will love you forever and hope you find happiness.

"And I can be a friend that you come to?"

And the bottle points to "he loves me." I would be deliriously happy, but I'm drained. It's more like being content. I get tears of happiness, but I'm mostly cried out. It has been a hard day for me. "I would love that."

"Rasha, I'm always there for you. I want to be next to you in bed. But if I am on the other side of the galaxy, I still want to help."

I love him. I kiss him. "Thank you Anders. That means everything to me."

And then I turn over and start to fall asleep, my back to his side. And it's way past his bedtime, but....

"That's why you have a keeper." He is still thinking this through. He's so thorough.

"It's one of the reasons. I was in horrible shape the day I learned I was the Xanthall. I was going to cut, but instead I ran to her. Now I have strict orders to go to her if I want to cut."

"So she can stop you."

"Clueless. When I want to cut, I have reasons. It doesn't work to ignore the reasons and my feelings just because cutting isn't what normal people do. So maybe she will stop me, maybe she won't. That's her problem."

And then I am almost asleep, and Anders, who -- amazingly -- is still awake, says, "That's why you have such intense friends. Like Stacy. You need them."

I never realized that. "Friends like Stacy and Anders. I really and truly need them."

And then, if he had more questions, he was talking to himself.

Can a Dominant be Caring?

• You won't lead a happy life being controlled by someone who wants to abuse or exploit you.
• An uncaring dominant might try to break your spirit or make you weak. That isn't good for you.
• I sop up emotions from the people around me. If you are the same way, it isn't healthy for you to be around people who don't like you.
• If you trust someone you can let yourself be submissive to them. You don't have to fight them. So your submission can be stronger.

Some dominants are good caring people. But they believe they have to act uncaring. (Or worse, they try to be uncaring!) They need to be taught differently. Of course you should just avoid the psychopaths and abusers.

Giving up "Bad Hot" for True Submission

So you have to be willing to give up the "bad hot" of an uncaring dominant. I am not saying that is easy, I am just saying it is good for you in the long run.

Experiencing Real Submission

When you have real submission to a real person, your master still controls you. But it is a different kind of control. You want to please your master. So if we wants something, you want to give it to him. You want to be obedient. So if he tells you to do something, you are happy to obey.

You might even have the illusion that you aren't being controlled! Because you are doing what you want. But you are still contolled by your master, and it is important for you to feel that.

Depersonalization: DON'T

But depersonalization is exactly the wrong thing for Golden Submission. You want to trigger your dominant's protectiveness. That means being submissive to him, but it also means you being a person.

So basically you should try to be the opposite of a robot. Be yourself. Show life. Be a person. Show your feelings and emotions. That includes telling your Master what you want and like. (Then you have to trust him not to let you top from the bottom.) Admit your quirks and weaknesses.

If your dominant wants to depersonalize you at the start, then that's a bad sign. But maybe you need it? He does have to establish dominance. So if he otherwise seems caring, I guess you have to trust him. But sooner or later you have to be a person.

Strength

In fact, your dominant can take more pride in controlling someone who is strong. Well, strong in other ways.